Laser Snakes.

Where did they come from? Why are they here? And most importantly, how can they rock so damn hard?? 

Only the snakes know for sure, and they aren’t talking. 

Some folks say the Laser Snakes are sentient, AI beings from the future. Others say they are an ancient race from the distant past. There’s even a small faction who believe the Laser Snakes are a group of middle-aged musicians who are trying to sound cool. 

While those are all highly plausible explanations, the most common theory is as follows: 

The Laser Snakes are actually the result of a lab accident gone horribly wrong. Legend has it that they were initially created by a team of snake-ologists at the University of New Mexico’s Center for Reptile Breeding, Metal Music Theory, and Holistic Crystal Healing. 

What made those researchers think they could possibly harness snakes, metal, AND crystals? It was the first thing we all learned in middle school science class. When you combine snake venom with Iron Maiden music and powerful crystals, it produces lasers. 

We will never know what went through those researchers’ heads (other than the white hot lasers that shot out of those snakes’ eyes). Because, just like Shakespeare’s Hamlet and Macbeth, everyone involved at the Center died from their hubris (that, and of course, also from those lasers that cut them in half). 

One thing we do know for sure is that those snakes are still out there. They are out there, and now that they’re free, they’re coming for you. They want to melt your face.

\m/